Biden to Alleviate Pandemic Fatigue by Injecting Americans with Infectious Latin Rhythms
Surgeon General to begin deployment of Latin American musicians at vaccine supercenters across the nation
In an unprecedented effort to combat widespread pandemic fatigue, the Biden Administration has announced a massive deployment of Latin American musicians to perform at vaccine supercenters across the nation.
Musicians specializing in Mambo, Cha-Cha, Salsa, Rumba, Merengue, and many other styles have already parachuted in to enliven vaccine centers in New York, Miami, Chicago, and Salt Lake City.
At a White House press conference announcing the plan, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy explained the need for such a bold musical intervention.
“You go to a vaccine center and you see many Americans with that down-in-the-mouth look that’s surprisingly apparent even through a mask. We had to ask ourselves: Could Latin rhythms help remedy such conditions? And so far, the evidence points to a resounding yes.”
The plan, which Biden has dubbed Operation Tito Puente, is already underway. “When Americans arrive at a vaccine supercenter,” said Biden, “they have a right to expect super. And Operation Tito Puente delivers on that promise.”
While the operation’s full playlist remains to be approved by the Surgeon General’s top brass, it may include songs from Tito Puente’s albums Mambo Vol. 1, Mambo Vol. 2, Mambo Vol. 3, Mambo Vol. 4, Mambo Vol. 5, Mambo Vol. 6, King of Mambo, Mamborama, and Mucho Cha-Cha.
Apart from Puente’s discography, the number of tunes potentially eligible for deployment is vast, and will take the Surgeon General weeks, if not months, to survey. Added Biden, “We will also be taking requests.”
During a congressional debate following the announcement, Texas senator Ted Cruz interrupted the proceedings to warn against the hidden dangers of Biden’s plan. “Operation Tito Puente will inject Americans with dangerous Latin rhythms that are, in reality, part of the radical left’s master plan to turn America into Latin America. That’s basically what will happen.”
In a recent Quinnipiac poll, 33% of Americans answered “strongly agree” to the following statement: “I don’t even know who Tito Puente is.”
Tito Puente served in the US Navy for three years during World War II, earning a Presidential Unit Citation for serving in nine battles on the carrier USS Santee. As a musician, he was affectionately known as The King (El Rey) of Latin Music.