Nice masks. The Sand People. They get it.

Like millions of other Star Wars fans, I found the Tusken Raiders (aka Sand People) both fearsome and laughable. Their weird sea-lion cries, pumping their staffs to the sky, riding single-file on mammoth beasts of burden, their bodies and heads wrapped like mummies.

Now, I get it.

Under quarantine in the midst of a heat wave, my head swaddled in cooling fabrics, eying my neighbors through binoculars to see whether or not they are wearing masks, I realize how deeply wrong I was to make fun of the Sand People and their way of life.


Surgeon General to begin deployment of Latin American musicians at vaccine supercenters across the nation

Soundtrack for this article.

In an unprecedented effort to combat widespread pandemic fatigue, the Biden Administration has announced a massive deployment of Latin American musicians to perform at vaccine supercenters across the nation.

Musicians who specializing in Mambo, Cha-Cha, Salsa, Rumba, Merengue, and many other styles have already parachuted in to enliven vaccine centers in New York, Miami, Chicago, and Salt Lake City.

At a White House press conference announcing the plan, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy explained the need for such a bold musical intervention.

“You go to a vaccine center and you see many Americans with that down-in-the-mouth look…


Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

What’s up, Algorithm? Do you know that phrase, “What’s up?” I’m sure you do. But as a disembodied intelligence, I know you’ve never felt the sensation of up—going up in an elevator, jumping. Hanging upside down, knees folded over the monkey bars, feeling the rush of blood to your head.

You don’t know down, either. What it means to feel down.

I admit, you have led me to feel down many times. I am not alone in that. Algorithm, has anyone told you how many suicides you’ve brought about this decade? …


Brennan and Dale to Restore America’s Prestige—Worldwide

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

PRESTIGE WORLDWIDE (WIDE… WIDE…) the leader in Entertainment, Management, Financial Portfolios, Insurance, Computers, Black Leather Gloves, Research and Development (putting in the Man Hours to study The Science of What You Need), and Security is proud to announce….

WE are taking over the U.S. DEPARTMENT OF INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS (AFFAIRS… AFFAIRS…)

Ask yourself: Is it MERELY a COINCIDENCE that PRESTIGE is in our name?

NO! Because WE will restore AMERICA’S PRESTIGE on the WORLD STAGE!

Our founders, Brennan Huff and Dale Doback, stars of BOATS ’N’ HOS and VISIONARIES who pushed the LIMITS of what humanity can…


“Isn’t this amazing?”

Your friends and family might be sharing other articles to demonstrate how thoughtful and culturally sensitive they are, but none of them have shared this article yet.

And this article tops them all.

The headline so pithily encapsulates your own thoughtfulness and sensitivity to the current cultural moment, everyone will know how insightful and astute you are when you hit the share button.

While other articles amount to little more than shortsighted gobbledygook, this article cuts right to the heart of the matter. By sharing it, you have demonstrated your cool-headed ability to remain above the fray.

You arrive amidst…


Grocery Shopping in the Time of Covid

My father absolutely refused to wait in line for anything. “There’s something about it I can’t stand,” he said. “I don’t know what.”

I knew what. Perhaps you’ve seen the end of Goodfellas, when Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) says, “Right after I got here I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I’m an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.” That was the something about waiting in line that my dad couldn’t stand.

One of the ways Americans used to make fun of communism was to…


Rey in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Rey in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Warning: Spoilers for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker follow.

Before making the original Star Wars, George Lucas spent years working on Apocalypse Now, a film about the tragedy of America’s war in Vietnam. You don’t have to look too closely to see that, in its own way, Star Wars is also about the folly of American empire.

More specifically, it’s about the internal conflict between our aspirations to empire and our self-image as a righteous rebellion. And how that conflict plays out within us and between us.

They say you get religion either when you’re very young, or when…

EM Stonestreet

Father, writer, funny person. https://linktr.ee/stonestreet

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